What You Need To Know: Loss Amid Coronavirus

Georgia Public Broadcasting’s new series What You Need To Know: Coronavirus provides succinct, fact-based information to help you get through the coronavirus pandemic with your health and sanity intact. 

Karla McKinney and Bill Mann, sister and brother, lost their 84-year-old mother and aunt to the coronavirus just six days apart. They spoke with GPB Lawmakers host Donna Lowry as they deal with death and grieve their family members.

The interview has been lightly edited for clarity and flow.

Karla, tell us a little bit about your mother. And then Bill afterwards, I'll get you to talk a little bit about your Aunt Carolyn.

Karla: Well, as it's been said a lot, my mother was just an amazing woman, an outstanding person, a woman of God, a woman of faith. She was a great mom to us all. An outstanding community leader, an excellent teacher.

She was voted Teacher of the Year numerous times throughout her teaching career. She was an excellent wedding coordinator. She was an excellent committee member leader. She's just excellent at all that she did. My mother exposed us to quite a bit, in terms of just culture. As we were growing up, we were exposed to the Fox Theater when we could go. Holiday on Ice, I remember things like that. I remember shopping downtown when it was called Rich's go into the Magnolia Room and just having a lot of nostalgic experiences. Riding the Pink Pig, all of those things that we got a chance to do as young people growing up. My mom saw to it that we were well rounded and well exposed. So I appreciated her for that because probably as a result of that, we have a love for reading and arts and traveling. [There were] quite a few things that came out of our experience growing up with Miss Ernestine.

Yes. You called her the diva.

Karla: Yeah. She was quite the diva. She was always on point. With her dress, meticulous. You know, just a lot of etiquette skills that she passed down and she did not tolerate half-baked cakes. You know, your cake had to be right.

I bet and I know that that was part of who she was. Bill, talk about your Aunt Carolyn a little bit. 

Bill: Well, my Carolyn is just kind of... It's a little difficult right now because her and my mom were very close. Mom used to go to visit her maybe twice a week up at Arbor Terrace and for her to contract the disease before my mom was just a shocking thing. But she's an outstanding woman.

We have a niece, Amber, Amber Harris. She's the only child, which is a little difficult as well. All in all, she was a churchgoing woman. She was very open, very kind-hearted, very generous. She just meant a lot to the family in more ways than one. 

Yeah. I didn't talk about how this all came up. Your Aunt Carolyn first contracted this and was hospitalized and then it was later that you found out about your mother. Explain that a little bit.

Karla: We were shocked to find out that Carolyn was in the hospital with COVID and on a ventilator. And everyone was shocked throughout the family, praying for her, having no idea that, six days later, my mom would be admitted. 

I had spoken with Carolyn. I actually went back and listened to a voicemail she left me on that Monday to call her back. And, of course, I called her back. And, you know, we had a good conversation, actually. We had been talking about my mom and my granddaddy, her dad, because we were trying to get some information to give to operators or, you know, the doctor on staff there. So we were just kind of having those kinds of conversations and reflecting on a lot and had no idea that on that Thursday following that conversation that Mom, that Aunt Carolyn would be in the hospital. So needless to say, you know, there are a lot of texting, a lot of prayers going up for her. 

And my cousin Amber started a trend saying "#Calstrong." So everybody was hashtag #CalstrongPullThrough having no idea that in three more days, my mom will be following suit. And we never told Mom about Carolyn. And so she was unaware. And also, Carolyn was never aware about my mom. So it's just been unreal. 

So your aunt Carolyn was sick first and hospitalized, then your mother contracted it, but then your mother passed away before her and then you didn't tell your Aunt Carolyn because she was sick about your mom's passing. And then she died six days later.

Karla: Yeah.

Bill, talk about how tough it has been to go through this grieving process and people who loved your mom and not being able to physically really talk with them about that during this time. 

Bill: Well, I will say we are the first generation that's really going through the loss of a loved one, which is very challenging. So it's not a blueprint of how you deal with this. This is very low. It's a very lonely process because, well, you can't visit your mother in the hospital.

That's a challenge. And when you do hear about the situation that she's gone and you still can't—your family and friends and alumni and people around you for your support system cannot come together once again. That's another challenge.

But here's the telltale sign. After we buried our mother yesterday, you just go home. Yeah. It was not as if my sister and I can get together [or] families can get together. You know, we get phone calls and every day. But back when, just a couple of months ago— when you were burying a loved one— there's a support system that's physically around. Now it's virtual.

Now you're on the phone calls. It's a very lonely process. I will say that. It has to change. There's a lot of gaps about going through this. We found a lot of gaps. When you start talking about the process of how you're dealing with your parents. The hospital is just the communication. It's just a challenge that we need to correct sooner or later because some of this going to happen again. So, you know, being the first generation, we don't want to second generation to go through this.  

I understand that people couldn't be physically near you, but they wanted to let you know they cared, and they came by your home. Talk a little bit about some video you have of people showing how they felt about your mom.

Bill: That was so very spiritual. Well, my daughter had organized some of my classmates, which I didn't know. So it was a very surprising thing. So between, my daughter, my wife and my son, they— normally they can't pull anything over me, but they had planned it out pretty well to where my son was playing chess and my daughter called one of my other good classmates Valerie. And they just kind of organized things. And next thing you know, I had about 40 cars pulling up in front of my home caught up honking their horns. It was just very uplifting and very spiritual. It helped me get a little bit stronger and brought a little bit more peace to my life. So I just, you know, thanked my daughter thanked my classmates, my friends, my neighbors, everyone that was involved with that. It was very uplifting.

A very creative way also of letting you know that they care and beyond the phone calls, which is all anybody can really do. So I want to talk a little bit, Carla, about what it was like for the viewing at the funeral home, different than we all are used to. 

Karla: Absolutely. Going up to Watkins Funeral Home, we've known Willie Watkins for a while and have been up there for various gatherings of dealings and whatnot. But this time, it was very different to go out there and just have a silence of not people here, you know, because they had to do the social distancing to be in compliance and definitely understand that. But really, it was a lonely feeling.

You can't turn around and get that hug from someone as you're going through your grief. You're left alone with your grief. And, you know, it has its benefits to some degree, because sometimes you can get so caught up in the socialization factor that you do not get the reflection time that's needed. So it did offer a lot of silence and reflection.

As you know, I'm there with my mom. And also people are a little confused in this day and time about, you know, what can we do or what can we not do? They're calling saying, "Well, are they only allowing family?" So people are getting mixed memos about, you know, "I wanted to go, but I didn't know we could go," or "I thought it was just for the family." So, people who ordinarily would have been there did not go because of the mixed messages as well as those who did go. It's kind of eerie. You're just there, you're having to wait in line, you're having to say, "No more than two people at a time" and even those two people spaced out. So it was really different.

So only two people were allowed in within the room with your mom during that time?

Karla: You definitely had to be spaced out, even with just two people. So even with family, us being family, we could not gather together at the coffin and just kind of support each other. It was just a different kind of experience. 

Bill, I see you shaking your head. It was tough, huh? 

Bill: Yes. It was extremely tough because once again, my mom was very popular. And from Adele[?] and to in the church and Spelman alumni and people like that, this normally would be coming together. Once again, it was a very eerie situation.

From a positive standpoint, it really makes you reflect and look at what should be your priorities and what really makes a difference in your life and people's lives. And the people around you kind of bring it to a situation to which we really need to pay attention to. We need to come together as one and communicate at another level. But the funeral was very different. It was very eerie, you know, to experience that.

Let's talk about it. You had the burial yesterday. What was that like? Because you were at Westview Cemetery and people weren't allowed to be very close. And like only 10 people allowed to be even near the coffin.

Bill: The protocol was family members first. We have people just standing around us being socially distanced. There were probably about maybe about 40 to 50 people that did show up in their cars. Some were standing off at a distance.

Donna: Was it still the homecoming you wanted her to have?

Bill: No. Not at all.

Karla: No, it wasn't. You know, to agree with him, but I am pleased with, you know— given the resources or the limitations that we had, I think it was a very nice, very sweet homegoing. I think we did it well, what we were able to do, and I know we were reflecting saying it was eerie, but I would like to say it also that my mom was she looked beautiful and she looked at peace. So that part was helpful in terms of being a comfort. But yeah. No, it was not what we expected, of course. Many, many people would have been there for us and for my mom to show up to celebrate her life. And we do plan on doing a big celebration later. But this was a muted, muted type of thing.