'Wait Wait' for Nov. 6, 2021: Our Chicago Homecoming with Chance the Rapper

Hip-hop superstar Chance the Rapper returns to the show to play a game we call, "Chance? Meet Community Chest": Three questions about Monopoly.

Transcript

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: The following program was taped in front of an audience of real live people.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED RECORDING)

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm the man who loves you. I'm Bill-co, Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Harris Theater in Chicago, Ill., a man who actually left his house today. It's Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And thank you, actual people.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: It is great to see you all. We are so excited to be back in front of our friends here at home in Chicago after 20 months away. And I think I speak for all of us here onstage to you guys in the audience when I say, you all look great.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: If that wasn't enough to make you happy you came, later on, we're going to be joined by Chicago's own Chance the Rapper. But first...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...America, it's your turn. Give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924.

Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

GIA: Hi, this is Gia (ph) from Scotts Valley by way of the Philippines.

SAGAL: Wow. OK, Gia. Where is Scotts Valley?

GIA: It's Bay Area adjacent...

SAGAL: Right.

GIA: ...Just before the beautiful Monterey coast.

SAGAL: Oh, wow. That's very nice. What do you do there?

GIA: (Laughter) I'm a clinical psychologist by training, and I'm woefully untrained in being the mother of 11-year-old twins.

SAGAL: Eleven-year-old twins?

GIA: Yeah, yeah.

SAGAL: Wow. OK, this is true. I happen to have a dear friend who just had twins.

GIA: Yeah.

SAGAL: And she said she's worried because identical twins...

GIA: Yeah.

SAGAL: ...Always end up weird.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's a quote. So hopefully, she's listening.

GIA: Yeah.

SAGAL: Can you reassure her?

GIA: Yeah. Oh, I can reassure she has nothing to worry about. They will be weird.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Don't worry about it, if you're listening out there.

GIA: Yeah.

SAGAL: Well, Gia, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's the comedian and host of "The Babylon Beat" on KBLA Talk 1580 in Los Angeles and on the KBLA 1580 app. It's Brian Babylon.

(APPLAUSE)

BRIAN BABYLON: Hey, hey, how are you?

GIA: Hey, Brian.

SAGAL: Next, a comedian and host of the podcast "Fake The Nation." You can also see her standup in the Adult Swim Comedy Festival November 12 and 13. It's Negin Farsad.

(APPLAUSE)

NEGIN FARSAD: Hello.

SAGAL: And finally, starring alongside Dana Gould in his new comedy tour documentary "Joy Ride" - it's now available on VOD everywhere - it is Bobcat Goldthwait.

(APPLAUSE)

BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Hi, Gia.

GIA: Hi.

SAGAL: So, Gia, welcome to the show. You're going to play, of course, Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis right here is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize - any voice from our show you might choose for your voicemail. Ready to go?

GIA: Sure, let's do it.

SAGAL: Yeah, let's do it. Your first quote is from a leading Democratic strategist, Howard Wolfson.

KURTIS: Last night's rain is going to look like a tiny drizzle because a hurricane is coming.

SAGAL: He was using that painfully extended metaphor to talk about something that did not go well for his party this week. What?

GIA: The midterm election.

SAGAL: Yes - well, not quite the midterms, the off-year elections, but we'll give it to you.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

GIA: Off-year, off-year.

SAGAL: Yeah, it was an off year. It was a bad day for Democrats on Tuesday, as somebody somewhere forgot to have the Dominion voting machines switch all the votes to their side this time.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now part of the problem, at least according to Democrats, was that people were not engaged enough. I mean, it's like voting again? We're still clearing debris from the last insurrection.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And cable news - I don't know if you saw this. Cable news desperately tried to make people care. MSNBC put Steve Kornacki in a much tighter pair of pleated chinos.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: CNN, even for the first time, showed us Wolf Blitzer backstage during his eerie transformation.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Wait, can...

BABYLON: You know what? He does have wolf man tendencies.

SAGAL: He does.

BABYLON: I just realized that.

SAGAL: Yeah.

GOLDTHWAIT: But he was bit by a yawn.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: That's why he...

SAGAL: That's - exactly, exactly.

FARSAD: Wait, I feel a little attacked because I voted on Tuesday.

SAGAL: Yes.

FARSAD: And - in New York City. And you know who I ran into there while I was voting? I ran into nobody. I had the entire polling place to myself. Like, I stole dozens of stickers from the government. And, yeah, I guess there was...

SAGAL: That's the thing.

FARSAD: ...A little bit of turnout problem.

SAGAL: Because Democrats are like, oh, God, we've got to do this again. And Fox News - right? - told their viewers they were the only thing stopping the country from being taken over by woke communist zombies. They were all excited. Democrats - you know, they were like, yeah, OK. They walked away from the polls with stickers saying, I voted?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Our favorite election story - and this is true - was a guy named Vito Perillo, who won reelection as a mayor in a town in New Jersey at the age of 97. He ran on his health care platform, which was leeches.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's so great to have a politician in New Jersey who remembers how they used to do it in Old Jersey. This guy entered politics at 93.

BABYLON: Wow.

SAGAL: Was just reelected and says he wants to run again.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: It's like an inspiration for Biden's second term.

SAGAL: Yeah, it'd be great.

BABYLON: I mean...

(APPLAUSE)

BABYLON: ...If Joe Biden came out with leeches on...

FARSAD: What? Yeah. That'd be nice.

BABYLON: What? Come on. That's how you energize a party.

FARSAD: Yeah.

BABYLON: Leeches, yo.

SAGAL: All right, Gia, your next quote is from an 8-year-old boy named Carter.

KURTIS: I'm ready to trash my mask.

SAGAL: Carter is throwing away his mask because of the news this week that he and other children can finally get what?

GIA: Oh, the COVID vaccine.

SAGAL: Yes, the COVID vaccine.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: Yes.

SAGAL: Yes, everybody's excited.

FARSAD: Yeah.

SAGAL: It's finally - it's received official approval for children between 5 and 11 years old. The news was announced this week by a third grader in a Dr. Fauci Halloween costume.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: With a sexy Dr. Fauci costume?

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: Is there any other kind?

SAGAL: No, seriously.

BABYLON: You're right. You're right.

SAGAL: It's redundant, man. Dr. Fauci is sexy Dr. Fauci.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You should know that the child vaccine is a little different than the adult vaccine. It's one-third the dose, and it's administered via Nerd ropes. And it will be marketed under the name My Little COVI.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: You know what? It's like this - (singing) my little COVI, my little COVI, watch me braid her hair.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We're all...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...Vaguely alarmed that you know that song.

FARSAD: Yeah.

SAGAL: I just want to let you know.

BABYLON: The "My Little Pony" jingle was gold. And whoever made that, they reached me, and I wasn't even their market.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: OK. This is great news for parents, terrible news for people who have enjoyed how quiet restaurants have been for the last few months. Biden has upped emergency production of those placemats with mazes on them.

BABYLON: Are kids nowadays scared of needles like we were? I don't know.

SAGAL: Oh, I've never met a child who likes them.

FARSAD: My 2-1/2-year-old got her flu shot a couple weeks ago, virtue signal. And she was like, what needle? Bring it. Like, she did not care...

BABYLON: Yeah, these kids have no fear.

FARSAD: ...About this needle.

SAGAL: Yeah. To hell with your sticker.

FARSAD: Yeah.

SAGAL: I don't need that.

FARSAD: Yeah.

SAGAL: Yeah.

GOLDTHWAIT: Are there, like, children, like, pre-tween anti-vaxxers? I mean, are there children that are going to have to sneak the vaccine into...

SAGAL: Oh, God.

GOLDTHWAIT: ...Sunny Delight and Mountain Dew?

FARSAD: They've been radicalized by "Paw Patrol."

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: All cops, even "Paw Patrol."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. All right, Gia. Here's your last quote.

KURTIS: Cheer up. Don't worry. Have a better attitude.

SAGAL: Those words, if offered by a friend or loved one in a time of sadness, says new research, can make you feel what?

GIA: Even more depressed.

SAGAL: Exactly, they make you feel worse.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

GIA: Yeah.

SAGAL: This strategy of offering forced good cheer on people who are sad now has a name, according to the Wall Street Journal. The name is toxic positivity. Toxic positivity. Sometimes, people don't want to be told it will all work out. They just want sympathy. This is great news for people who want to be toxic without the masculinity.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: I hate this term. Like, I - it's so...

SAGAL: Toxic positivity?

FARSAD: ...Curmudgeonly to, like, dislike someone being - there are two people of the - your 5 million listeners, Peter, who have emailed me to say that they don't like that I laugh during the show. And those are the two people that coined this term.

SAGAL: Really?

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: They don't want anyone enjoying the comedy.

SAGAL: No. But the great thing...

GOLDTHWAIT: What kind of comedian are you that you laugh at other comics?

FARSAD: (Laughter) I know, I know.

GOLDTHWAIT: What's your angle? What's your problem?

BABYLON: Yeah.

SAGAL: It's a gimmick.

GOLDTHWAIT: I...

SAGAL: You know, some people have a funny voice, some people laugh, Bobcat.

GOLDTHWAIT: Easy, easy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah.

FARSAD: Wait, but there are some - there's instances where you absolutely need positivity, like when you're about to go into surgery, if your doctor was like, hey, I don't know how this is going to work out. All right, can you count back from 10?

SAGAL: Yeah.

FARSAD: Like, that's...

SAGAL: There are a lot of things the surgeon can say, like, that are going to be bad, like, well, there's a first time for everything.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Gia do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Gia, we're - love having you here because you got a perfect score, 3-0.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Gia.

(APPLAUSE)

GIA: Thank you.

SAGAL: Good luck with those twins. Take care.

GIA: Thank you. Take care, bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "HAPPY")

PHARRELL WILLIAMS: (Singing) Because I'm happy. Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof. Because I'm happy. Clap along if you feel like happiness...

SAGAL: Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news.

Bobcat, at least one person is very happy about the U.N. Climate Change Conference this year - Greta Thunberg's dad. Why did he enjoy this year's conference far more than any of the prior ones?

GOLDTHWAIT: Because she wasn't home.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You're very close. I'll give you a hint. It's like when your daughter finally gets her driver's license.

GOLDTHWAIT: That she could go on her own?

SAGAL: Yes, that he didn't have to go.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

GOLDTHWAIT: Oh, OK.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: Yeah. No chaperone.

SAGAL: Greta Thunberg turned 18 this year, which means she is a legal adult and can travel by herself. Asked if he might want to go anyway to stand beside her, her father said, and this is a real quote, "hell no."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And he's - you know, he's gone all over the world with her, including that trip across the Atlantic. He's, like, happy to be home. But her mother must miss this time together, right? She says, quote, "we have other things to do."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That is cold.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Yeah, you know what? They're probably going to call that toxic realness.

SAGAL: Yeah.

FARSAD: No, it's so weird because all other parents are annoyed that they have to take their kids to soccer practice. These guys had to take their kids to yell at Putin.

SAGAL: Yeah, pretty much.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF R.E.M'S "ORANGE CRUSH")

SAGAL: Coming up, it's beginning to look a lot like a Christmas-themed Bluff The Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play. We'll be back in a minute with more of WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We're playing this week with Bobcat Goldthwait, Brian Babylon and Negin Farsad. And here again is your host at the Harris Theater in Chicago, a man who just realized he's frightened by the sound of real human applause...

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: ...Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. Right now, right now, it's time for the WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME Bluff The Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air.

Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SHAUN BISHOP: This is Shaun Bishop.

SAGAL: Hey, Shaun Bishop. How are you?

BISHOP: I'm doing fine. How are you?

SAGAL: I'm OK. Where are you calling from?

BISHOP: I'm calling from Louisville, Ky.

SAGAL: OK.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: And what do you do there in Louisville?

BISHOP: I am the director of human resources for the company that's responsible for bringing you the greatest two minutes in sports, also known as the Kentucky Derby Churchill Downs Incorporated.

SAGAL: Wow.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You work in HR for the company that does the Kentucky Derby...

BISHOP: Yes, sir.

SAGAL: ...Churchill Downs. So that could be - in your case, it could be human resources, could be horse resources.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Shaun. Now, you're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Shaun's topic?

KURTIS: Christmas is Saved.

SAGAL: You can save Christmas by remembering to put Christ in there and also in other holidays like Valen-Christ (ph) Day and the Fourth of Ju-Christ (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Just mentioning it. But this week, we read about another way to save Christmas. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one who's telling the truth, you'll win the WAIT WAITer of your choice in your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

BISHOP: Yes, sir.

SAGAL: All right. Your first story is from Bobcat Goldthwait.

GOLDTHWAIT: Every year, the town of Narvik, Norway, celebrates the beginning of the Christmas season with its annual Julenisse parade. Julenisse is the Scandinavian version of our Santa Claus. The holiday season is ushered in when Julenisse's sled, pulled by nine reindeer, enters in the town square through a throng of happy families and then lights the town's Christmas tree. That's how it's supposed to go. But this year was a near disaster. The reindeer got into an unattended box of chocolate Santas, devoured said Santas, and then quickly got explosive diarrhea.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: Tragedy was averted when quick-thinking local fire chief Ross Burlingame (ph) went to a nearby senior citizens' home and fitted the deer with donated adult diapers.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: I'm no hero, said Ross. I just was doing my best to make sure it truly was a silent night.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: As a precaution next year, the parade organizers are looking in to see if Depends makes a line of red and green holiday colors. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph all refused to be commenting on this story.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: A Christmas parade in Norway saved by the timely donation of adult diapers for the reindeer. Your next story of a holiday helper comes from Negin Farsad.

FARSAD: So being a Christmas mall Santa is tough. It's hard enough that toddlers across the nation immediately cry when they're forced to sit in your lap. And I did that. But now, the Riverside County California Santa Association - yes, this whole time, Santas have been organized - is in a real pickle. Due to COVID protocols, they're required to use new beards. But the new beards are stuck in a shipping container alongside that couch you ordered eight months ago. That's right, supply chain has come for Santa. Now, local Santa Ronnie McPherson (ph) was despondent. Without my beard, I'm just an old, fat, white guy wearing velveteen.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: I'm the kind of person they would expect shouting at a school board.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Well, a resourceful group of local knitters who call themselves Riverside U-Knitted (ph) has taken on this challenge by crocheting Santa beards with a special antibacterial thread. These aggressive knitters will rip stitch, cable stitch and, yes, even herringbone stitch their way out of this just in time to save Christmas.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: A group of knitters in Riverside, Calif., mass-creating new Santa beards to replace the ones lost at sea. Your last story of someone saving Christmas comes from Brian Babylon.

BABYLON: Sometimes, Christmas isn't about gifts or big meals or colorful sweaters. Sometimes, Christmas is about threatening your neighbors.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: A woman in Texas calling herself Liz Anya proudly posted the proof to Twitter. She says a new TV she ordered was delivered to her door inside her building and was taken by somebody. So she posted the following note, and I quote, "to the person who stole my TV, bring it back and all will be forgiven. Otherwise, there will be no Christmas in this building. I will steal every single package. I will steal every mat, every trash can. I will engage in warfare until the day I move out. It's up to you, you broke a** [expletive]. You have 24 hours."

FARSAD: (Laughter).

(APPLAUSE)

BABYLON: The next day, she posted a photo of her returned TV with the caption, good morning. As you begin your day, remember that violence is always and often the answer.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: So thanks to the person who saved Christmas in that building, whoever returned that TV.

SAGAL: OK, Shaun, here are your choices - from Bobcat, you heard a story of reindeer needing adult diapers in Norway; from Negin, Santas in Riverside getting new knitted beards to replace the ones that never arrived; or from Brian Babylon, a woman threatening her neighbors with stealing Christmas, but thankfully she was stopped. Which of these is the real story?

BISHOP: That reindeer story really sounds like a sticky situation.

(LAUGHTER)

BISHOP: Brian read the last one with such conviction that I will have to go with...

SAGAL: Oh, you're doing - I was...

BISHOP: ...The last one.

SAGAL: The last one, Brian's story of the woman who threatened to destroy Christmas unless she got her TV back. Well, that's your choice, Brian's story. To bring you the correct answer, we spoke to someone familiar with that true story.

ELAINE SWANN: To state that she's going to steal every single package, every mat, every trash can...

(APPLAUSE)

SWANN: It's really awful.

SAGAL: That was Elaine Swann. She is an etiquette - that was Elaine Swann - she is an etiquette expert and founder of The Swann School of Protocol - commenting on the woman who got her TV back by threatening to destroy Christmas for all of her neighbors. And I notice in that quote that Ms. Swann seemed to disapprove of this tactic. But it worked.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So congratulations, Shaun. You got it right. It was Brian Babylon telling the truth, as you knew. You have won our prize and a point for him. Thank you so much.

BABYLON: Thank you, Shaun.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "FAIRYTALE OF NEW YORK")

THE POGUES: (Singing) It was Christmas Eve, babe. In the drunk tank...

SAGAL: And now the game that gives us a flimsy excuse to talk to the people we admire. It's called Not My Job.

Around Chicago, the origin of Chance the Rapper is as well-known as that of a superhero. He got suspended from high school, spent that time at the Chicago Public Library making a mixtape, and the rest is history - multiple Grammy Awards, international tours, collaborations with everybody from Kanye to Justin Bieber. And he has founded his own social service organization, SocialWorks, devoted to lifting up kids in Chicago like he used to be. Chance, welcome back to WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Oh, thank you, man.

(APPLAUSE)

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Wow. And thank you for that introduction. That was...

SAGAL: No, that's true.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: ...Very kind.

SAGAL: It's true.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So you - we had you on the show in 2015, the summer of 2015. You were well-known. You were rising up in the hip-hop music scene. And it was right before "Coloring Book" came out - huge album. And so much has happened since then. So much has happened since then.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Yeah.

SAGAL: Have you ever looked around when - I don't know - when you're, like, playing in, like, the White Sox baseball stadium in a concert that you organized or on whatever late-night show or hanging out with Beyonce, where you're like, this is crazy?

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Yeah. I think every once in a while.

(LAUGHTER)

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Every once in a while, I'm like, this is cool. You know, there's no shell shock or anything.

SAGAL: Yeah.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: I'm just kind of living life. It is a dope life, though. Thank you, man.

SAGAL: Yeah, no. That's not bad.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Thanks for reminding me...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Yeah.

GOLDTHWAIT: (Laughter).

CHANCE THE RAPPER: ...How cool it is.

SAGAL: You're not going to be that guy - no, it really doesn't matter. I just like to be home and, you know - no, it's cool.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: No. It's very cool being there.

SAGAL: I imagine it's a lot of fun.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Yeah.

SAGAL: You're also quite young, at least from my perspective.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Are you going to go to your 10-year high school reunion?

CHANCE THE RAPPER: So it was - that's so crazy that you just asked. It was this year. It was supposed to be. And there just really hasn't been any organizing around it that I know of.

SAGAL: Really?

CHANCE THE RAPPER: I also wasn't super-popular when I was in high school, so there's a chance that they already did one and I didn't get invited.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Really?

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Just being honest.

SAGAL: Really?

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Yeah.

SAGAL: You honestly believe that your high school class was like, we're holding a reunion; don't tell that Chance guy?

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Yeah, literally, like, it's like a secret.

KURTIS: (Laughter).

CHANCE THE RAPPER: I don't mean that I wasn't popular like they, you know, would forget to tell me, but, like, they would intentionally be like...

SAGAL: Oh, all right.

BABYLON: Hold up. Hold on. So are you telling me there's a conspiracy to keep you away from your 10-year high school reunion?

CHANCE THE RAPPER: There's probably some people I graduated with here right now texting in a group chat going, he knows 'cause...

(LAUGHTER)

CHANCE THE RAPPER: They enjoy me in other spaces. If I'm performing, they always come. But...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We saw you - I saw you at - at least to me - an unexpected place, in the photographs of the Chicago Sky when they won the WNBA Championship.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: There you were on the court with the team.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Yeah.

SAGAL: And I was like, wow, how'd you get around security?

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Man, you know what? What's funny is, like, I do look at some of the pictures (laughter) from the Sky, from, like, their entire, like, the end of that series and the parade, and I'm like, I probably should have fell back a little bit.

SAGAL: Yeah?

(LAUGHTER)

CHANCE THE RAPPER: But I was so excited, you know?

SAGAL: 'Cause I saw you there, and I was like, oh, I didn't know - did, like, Chance, like, own the team? And they're like...

(LAUGHTER)

CHANCE THE RAPPER: No.

SAGAL: No, he's just really into it.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Yeah.

SAGAL: And then I heard that you said that in celebration of the Sky's championship, that you were going to get a Chicago Sky tattoo. Did you do it?

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Yes.

SAGAL: You did.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Chance the Rapper, a man of his word - I'm sorry, but the next question has to be, where is it?

(LAUGHTER)

CHANCE THE RAPPER: That is a very personal question.

SAGAL: It is.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: But I will entertain it.

(LAUGHTER)

CHANCE THE RAPPER: I got the tattoo on my right forearm.

SAGAL: Right forearm.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Right below the bow.

SAGAL: My - that's cool.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Yeah.

SAGAL: And is it, like, the logo of the team?

CHANCE THE RAPPER: No. I feel like I don't - it's so crazy that you just got me to say that 'cause I got the tattoo right after the rally. A bunch of the players got tattoos, too. We all got tattoos.

SAGAL: Right.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Only my second tattoo that I ever got.

BABYLON: Wow.

FARSAD: Wow.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: And actually that's why I was keeping it under wraps 'cause I - the reason why I was going to get the tattoo - so I started going, I think it was - it was the round right before the finals. And there was a game that they had to win in the finals that would put them in a position to clinch the finals in the final round. So I had tweeted out because there were people who had doubts. So I was like, hey, when they win, I'm going to get a tattoo. Shortly after that, I hit up my tattoo artist and had one of my best friends come over to my crib right after they won this non-championship game.

SAGAL: Right.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: And we talked for a long time. And shortly after that, I was like, yeah, I'm not going to do this. This makes no sense. I'm not going to get this tattoo.

(LAUGHTER)

CHANCE THE RAPPER: So I escorted him out of my house.

SAGAL: The tattoo artist.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: The tattoo artist.

SAGAL: You said, thank you for your time, but not today.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: No, my friend got to stay, but - yeah, but the tattoo artist had to go. And then...

SAGAL: Take your ink and go, sir.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Yeah. And I was like, I could get this tattoo at any time. I didn't say when I was going to get the tattoo.

SAGAL: Right, right, right.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: I said I would get the tattoo.

SAGAL: You're hedging. You're hedging at this point.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: So I basically - a couple of days later, they won the finals. And I - you know, I went and celebrated with them that night. We went out and got drunk, and that's when all the players are like, I'm getting my tattoo here. Where are you getting your tattoo at? And I was like, oh, what tattoo?

(LAUGHTER)

CHANCE THE RAPPER: And so we all turn up. We had a great time. It was a crazy night. And then a couple of days later, I was still - you know, still had champagne all throughout my body.

SAGAL: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

CHANCE THE RAPPER: And - but I had to make it to the rally because they wanted me to come to the rally. So I come to the rally, and we end up, you know, drinking again. And long story short...

BABYLON: This sounds like "The Hangover: Part Five."

(LAUGHTER)

CHANCE THE RAPPER: It's insane, actually, how it ended up happening. But I'm just going to end the story there because I'm - at this point, I'm rambling. The point that I was trying to make was I didn't really want to make a big deal out of it after I got the tattoo because I was like, hey, I got the tattoo. They got tattoos. We got tattoos. We don't have to ever talk about it again. But I don't like lying. So when you asked me, I was like, I might as well say.

SAGAL: Yeah.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Yeah.

SAGAL: It's a good story, though. You're a man of your word.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: I appreciate that.

BABYLON: Well, it's too late. Five million people know now.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well, Chance, we, in fact, love to talk to you whenever you choose to come by, but this time we've asked you here to play a game we're calling...

KURTIS: Chance, Meet Community Chest.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We assume, Chance, that you were named after one of the card decks in Monopoly.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Yes.

SAGAL: The other being Community - you know, because Community Chest the Rapper doesn't really fly, so...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...We decided, based on that connection, to ask you three questions about the classic board game, Monopoly. Get two right, you'll win a prize for one of our listeners. Bill, who is Chance the Rapper playing for?

KURTIS: Anna Johnson (ph) of Chicago, Ill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Here is your first question. The game, during World War II, had a very big burst of popularity, with sets being sent from home to allied prisoners of war. Why? A, to remind them of the capitalist system they were fighting for...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...B, because nothing makes a year in prison camp feel short in comparison...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Than a game of Monopoly, or C, because maps, compasses and other escape tools were hidden inside.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: I'm going to go with C. I think it's the smuggling. Is that...

SAGAL: Yeah, it was.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: All right.

SAGAL: They smuggled in escape tools.

(SOUNDBITE OF VICTORY BELL)

SAGAL: I don't know if it worked. It would be really sad if the prisoners were like, yeah, yeah, we dug a tunnel, but, you know, we haven't finished the game yet.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Next question - Monopoly is almost as famous for the fights it causes as it is for anything else. So if you plan on playing this holiday, be sure to take advantage of what helpful resource for Monopoly players - A, an official 1-800 hotline where a mediator will help settle rules disputes...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...B, a small vial containing the cold virus, so you can catch it and sit the game out...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...C, soft bumpers for the edges of the boards so that when you throw it in anger, it will not hurt anyone or damage the furniture?

(LAUGHTER)

CHANCE THE RAPPER: As I recall, the corners are extremely sharp.

SAGAL: They are.

(LAUGHTER)

CHANCE THE RAPPER: I think it's A. I want to...

SAGAL: You think it's A.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: I believe that there's...

SAGAL: Eight hundred line.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Yeah, I think there's a line.

(APPLAUSE)

CHANCE THE RAPPER: I think it's A.

SAGAL: That's what it is.

(SOUNDBITE OF VICTORY BELL)

CHANCE THE RAPPER: It's A?

SAGAL: There's an 800 line. They set it up. You can call up.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Last question - there have been dozens of different versions of Monopoly, of course. But maybe the worst version of Monopoly was which of these? Communist Monopoly...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...B, Longest Game Ever Monopoly designed to take six hours or more to play; or C, Post-Apocalypse Monopoly, in which instead of buying or trading properties, you fight for them with knives?

(LAUGHTER)

CHANCE THE RAPPER: I want to go with the longest game one, but then you said it's only six and a half hours.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Six hours, which doesn't sound that much longer than a regular game of Monopoly...

CHANCE THE RAPPER: That's what I was thinking.

SAGAL: ...Now that you mention it, but...

CHANCE THE RAPPER: No, Monopoly takes time.

(LAUGHTER)

CHANCE THE RAPPER: The six-hour one.

SAGAL: You're right again.

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Let's go.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF VICTORY BELL)

SAGAL: In this game, it doesn't end till somebody owns all the properties, and there's twice as many of them.

Bill, how did Chance the Rapper do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Product of Chicago Public Schools, Chance the Rapper won all three.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Chance the Rapper is a Grammy-winning artist, and he is the founder of SocialWorks, a youth empowerment charity. More information at socialworkschi.org. Chance the Rapper, thank you so much for...

CHANCE THE RAPPER: Thank you, man.

SAGAL: You are the pride of Chicago.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Chance the Rapper, everybody. Give it up.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "ALL WE GOT")

CHANCE THE RAPPER: (Rapping) And we back, and we back, na na na. Hey. This ain't no intro. It's the entree. Hit that intro...

SAGAL: In just a minute, Bill gets Tang in his queso in the Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.

KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We are playing this week with Negin Farsad, Bobcat Goldthwait and Brian Babylon. And here, again, is your host at the Harris Theater in Chicago, Ill., a man who keeps looking for the end meeting button in real life.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: It's Peter Sagal.

SAGAL: Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: In just a minute, Bill covers his crabcakes with rhyme-oulade (ph) source in our Listener Limerick Challenge game. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924.

Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Negin, "The Queen's Gambit" was a hugely popular Netflix show about a young woman who is a chess master. Well, you can now buy your own "Queen's Gambit" official board game, which, surprisingly, is not what?

FARSAD: A chess game.

SAGAL: It's not chess.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: That's exactly right.

FARSAD: Well, that's dumb.

SAGAL: Isn't it, though? I mean, Netflix has announced "The Queen's Gambit," the board game, the actual game, is a complicated simulation of playing chess that is not playing chess. We don't know how to play it because instead of an instruction booklet, you just are supposed to get high and stare at the ceiling.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Yeah. Like, is it a board game where you slowly become an alcoholic?

SAGAL: Yeah. I think so.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: I had pitched a similar series about a girl who was addicted to oxy and played "Connect Four."

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: Because every good idea gets ripped off.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, we have no idea if this "Queen's Gambit" game is any fun or not, but we can tell you, do not buy the home edition of "The Squid Game (ph)." Bobcat, a new app in New York promises to deliver groceries to your door. That is not new, but this new app promises what?

GOLDTHWAIT: They'll be on time.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: More than just on time.

GOLDTHWAIT: They're going to be there so fast, they're going to be...

SAGAL: That's it. They're going to be there instantly.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

GOLDTHWAIT: Instant groceries.

SAGAL: That's the gimmick.

GOLDTHWAIT: Wow.

SAGAL: Remember how Dominos used to promise to deliver your pizza in 30 minutes or less, but then they had to stop because somebody died? Anyway, you can now get your groceries delivered, says this app, in 15 minutes in certain neighborhoods in New York. All it takes is the click of a button, lots of double parking and "Hunger Games"-like working conditions.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Why does everybody hate doing stuff every - anymore?

SAGAL: Yeah. I find that weird, too.

FARSAD: Just like, can we all just, like, go to the grocery store?

SAGAL: Especially this last year, where going to the grocery store was literally the highlight of my day.

FARSAD: I mean...

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: Will I fill out your survey at the end of your receipt? You bet I will.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: This is the highlight of my week.

SAGAL: It's amazing. Negin, this week, a dad on TikTok realized that Disney+ had edited the popular Australian kids' cartoon "Bluey" for sensitive American audiences. For example, he discovered that in one episode, they had removed just a moment from a scene that showed what?

FARSAD: Genitals.

SAGAL: No.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: So - and they edited out a moment of...

SAGAL: This was perfectly fine in Australia, but they decided that American audiences simply could not handle this.

FARSAD: Oh - a character getting the vaccine.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: I - what? Like, give me a hint.

SAGAL: Well, first, this magical creature says he has to drop some kids off at the pool.

FARSAD: Oh, pooping?

SAGAL: Yes - specifically, a unicorn pooping.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: Oh, but their poop is so magical and beautiful.

SAGAL: Yes. Exactly. I mean, what's wrong with unicorns pooping? Where do you think Skittles come from?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But so it - so this was censored by whoever was in charge of censoring it for America. So we can't let you see it, but they can't stop us from letting you hear it. So we have an audio clip of the offending scene...

FARSAD: Oh, my God.

SAGAL: ...That we cut out. You can decide for yourself. You're going to hear Bluey telling this unicorn that she's beautiful, then running away and then - well, you see what happens.

(SOUNDBITE OF TV SHOW, "BLUEY")

UNIDENTIFIED CHILD ACTOR: (As Bluey) Goodbye, Buttermilk. You're so beautiful.

(SOUNDBITE OF UNICORN POOPING)

UNIDENTIFIED CHILD ACTORS: (Screaming, laughing).

UNIDENTIFIED CHILD ACTOR: (As Bluey) That was disgusting.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: Is that the real audio?

SAGAL: That was the actual audio of an actual unicorn pooping.

GOLDTHWAIT: It sounded more like a horror picture.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

SAGAL: Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank, but first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. You can always click the Contact Us link on the website waitwait.npr.org. And doesn't it sound like we're having fun in here? Well...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...If you feel terrible because you missed out and were not here, you can join us at our next show right here at the Harris Theater on December 9. Tickets go on sale this Tuesday at waitwait.npr.org.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

JOFFERY MEYERS: Hello, my name is Joffery Meyers (ph). I am from Conway, Ark., which is right in between Pickles Gap and Toad Suck.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I realize you're trying to distract me...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...But did you say your name is Joffrey?

MEYERS: It is. It is indeed.

SAGAL: And that, of course, is the name of the extraordinarily evil, twisted character on "Game Of Thrones," the most popular television show...

MEYERS: Oh, I thought that trend had passed.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Oh, really? You thought we would have forgotten by now?

BABYLON: But you know what? To people who don't watch "Game Of Thrones," Joffrey sounds like the most fancy man in Arkansas.

SAGAL: That's true.

MEYERS: (Laughter).

FARSAD: It also...

BABYLON: Joffrey, come here, please.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah.

SAGAL: Well, Joffrey - sire...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. Ready to go?

MEYERS: Yes, sir. I was born ready.

SAGAL: All right. Here's your first Limerick.

KURTIS: We grow chilies inside our air lock-o (ph), which we'll bring back in from our space walk-o (ph). With tortillas and beef, we have got a meal (ph), chief. We are chowing down on a space...

MEYERS: Taco.

SAGAL: Yes.

KURTIS: Taco it is.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: This week, the astronauts on the International Space Station made history, first by growing chili peppers on the ISS and then by using them to make space tacos. The space tacos use the freshly picked peppers along with other delicious ingredients, like freeze-dried beef and rehydrated tomatoes - and to wash it all down, some recycled water that the astronauts also made themselves.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: Our airline's mistakes, we'll explain. The pandemic put brakes on our gains. As flights were ignored, something slithered aboard. And now we have...

MEYERS: Snakes on your plane.

KURTIS: Yes, sir.

SAGAL: Oh, no. Wait - so close. So close.

BABYLON: Snakes on a [expletive] plane.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, Brian, I feel, has given the game away. So we'll have to credit you for the right answer. Yes, snakes on a plane.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: After the pandemic halted flights, hundreds of planes in Australia were stored in the desert. That's what they do with planes. And while they're all waiting there to be used again, all these snakes were like, whoa, looks nice. Let's move in. By the way, they're not just any old snakes. They're rattlesnakes.

BABYLON: That sounds like a cute Pixar movie, that...

KURTIS: Yeah.

SAGAL: Rattlesnakes that live on a plane?

BABYLON: Yeah, like snakes trying to get - they live in this new condo.

SAGAL: And one of the rattlesnakes, like, wants to be a pilot. And all the other rattlesnakes are like, rattlesnakes can't be pilots.

BABYLON: Yeah. One day, I'll fly a big plane. Oh, we're just a snake. Our job is in the desert.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Exactly.

GOLDTHWAIT: There will never be a plane here.

SAGAL: Can you imagine this young, brave rattlesnake trying to triumph over the fact that it has no arms?

GOLDTHWAIT: There's only one snake that can land this bird.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: You're cast. You're cast.

GOLDTHWAIT: I think Tom Hanks, but...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: This arachnid's a really good hider, but hates friends who cast webs right beside her. And she's scared of the mirror, refuses to go near her. Even spiders get freaked out by...

MEYERS: Oh, spiders?

SAGAL: Yes. Spiders, Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: How about that?

SAGAL: A new study has found that some spiders are afraid of spiders. They have arachnid arachnophobia.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Researchers studying zebra jumping spiders found the spiders got skittish around, like, this spider-sized sphere with eyes painted on it. And then when scientists put a 3D-printed spider in front of them, they went, ah, spider.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: To be fair to the spiders, this is understandable. If you were just, like, hanging out in, like, the cage where you lived, and somebody dropped a full-sized human mannequin right in front of you, you'd jump through the ceiling.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The study makes me feel better because it proves even spiders know spiders are creepy.

BABYLON: They are.

FARSAD: They're so reasonable.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Prince Joffery, the first of his name...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Do on our quiz?

KURTIS: The prince was victorious - 3-0.

(APPLAUSE)

BABYLON: Huzzah.

SAGAL: Huzzah, huzzah.

MEYERS: Truly is an honor.

SAGAL: It's an honor to talk to you, my liege. Joffery, thank you so much for playing.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "SNAKE IN THE GRASS")

DAVE DEE AND DOZY AND BEAKY AND MICK AND TICH: (Singing) Beautiful morning, down by the river. Without a warning, who'd ever guess you'd come across a snake in the grass?

SAGAL: Now onto our final game, Lightning Fill In The Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores?

KURTIS: Well, Peter, we have a three-way tie. Everyone has three points.

SAGAL: All right, excellent.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: All right, all right.

SAGAL: Arbitrarily, Brian, you're going to go first.

BABYLON: Sure.

SAGAL: Here we go. The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Tuesday, voters in Minneapolis rejected a proposal to replace their blank with a public safety department.

BABYLON: Police force.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: This week, GOP leaders claim they could flip as many as 60 House seats during the 2022 blanks.

BABYLON: Midterm election.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: According to a new report, at least seven people who attended the January 6 Trump rally at the Capitol have been blanked.

BABYLON: Have been vaccinated.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Have been elected into local office. This week, instead of removing it, a town in Italy is making a monument out of blank.

BABYLON: Fusilli?

SAGAL: No, they're making a monument out of a car that has been parked in the same spot on the street for 47 years.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Nice.

SAGAL: On Tuesday, Facebook announced plans to voluntarily shut down their blank recognition software.

BABYLON: Facial.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Citing weather and staffing issues, blank cancelled over 500 flights on Sunday.

BABYLON: American Airlines.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: This week, a man dressed as an evil clown crashed a Halloween...

(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)

SAGAL: ...Party for kindergarteners, scaring the kids so badly that the kids blanked.

BABYLON: They beat him up.

SAGAL: Yes, they did, Brian.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Well done. At first, the kids ran away screaming, but eventually, one of them got courageous enough to tackle the man, which allowed the other dozen kids to start punching and kicking him while he was down. It got so bad, the man had to pull his mask off and explain he was not really a scary clown. No, he was just a normal, nonthreatening full grown adult who crashed a party for kindergartners.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Brian do on our show?

KURTIS: Well, pretty good. Four right for eight more points. He now has 11, and Brian has the lead.

SAGAL: All right. Negin...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...You're up next.

FARSAD: OK.

SAGAL: Please fill in the blank. At the Global Climate Summit on Monday, President Biden apologized for Trump's withdrawal from the blank.

FARSAD: Paris climate accord.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: This week, a coalition of financial institutions vowed to put over $100 trillion towards combating blank.

FARSAD: Climate change?

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: On Wednesday, the Atlanta Braves won their first blank since 1995.

FARSAD: Baseball.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Baseball? World Series. World Series.

SAGAL: World Series, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: This week, visitors at Disneyland in Shanghai were treated to an unexpected surprise when park staff blanked.

FARSAD: Shut down the park.

SAGAL: Oh, so close. They locked the gates and tested all 34,000 guests trapped inside for COVID. On Monday, the blank hit 36,000 for the first time.

FARSAD: The Dow?

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: On Wednesday, it was revealed that Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers lied about being blank.

FARSAD: Vaccinated.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: This week, Oprah released her list of favorite things for 2021...

(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)

SAGAL: ...Which includes a $60 blank.

FARSAD: Lipstick.

SAGAL: No, a $60 English muffin. I wouldn't even pay that much for an American muffin, and those have tops.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Negin do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Negin had five right for 10 more points. She now has 13 and the lead.

SAGAL: All right. And how many does Bobcat need to win?

KURTIS: Five to tie and six to win.

SAGAL: All right, Bobcat. This is for the game. Here we go. After the White House proposed the new $1.75 trillion spending bill, blank said he's once again not ready to commit.

GOLDTHWAIT: John Manchin (ph)?

SAGAL: Joe Manchin, close enough.

GOLDTHWAIT: Joe Manchin.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: On Thursday, Britain became the first country to authorize Merck's drug to treat blank.

GOLDTHWAIT: COVID.

SAGAL: Yeah, COVID.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: This week, a man in Kansas City held up a CVS at gunpoint and made off with blank.

GOLDTHWAIT: Lotto cards?

SAGAL: No, a hundred dollars' worth of toilet paper. On Sunday, White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki tested positive for blank.

GOLDTHWAIT: COVID.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: This week, Dwayne Johnson said he would only allow rubber blanks on his movie sets.

GOLDTHWAIT: I'm going to go with the bullets, guns?

SAGAL: Yeah, rubber guns.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: This week, pop star Shakira complained that no one stepped in to...

(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)

SAGAL: ...Help her when her bag was stolen by blank.

GOLDTHWAIT: Dogs.

SAGAL: No, close, when her bag was stolen by a pack of wild boars. Shakira says she was in Spain when a bunch of wild boars made off with her Gucci bag. And even worse, all the other people nearby just stood around and did nothing. Now, I know this sounds like a wild story, but we have to believe she's telling the truth. I mean, if there's one thing that Shakira's hips are known for, it is honesty.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: In the bag, where there truffles?

SAGAL: I don't know. It's an interesting question.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: I thought the answer was going to be, like, those Indiana Jones date-stealing monkeys.

GOLDTHWAIT: You mean, like, the date you eat, not like...

BABYLON: Oh, hey, monkey, that's my girl.

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah.

BABYLON: Hey, monkey, I love her. Right - no, (laughter) no.

GOLDTHWAIT: That's a date-stealing monkey.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: That's a monkey with game.

BABYLON: (Laughter).

FARSAD: Brian loves that joke.

SAGAL: He does, yeah.

BABYLON: I do. I do.

FARSAD: Yeah.

SAGAL: Bill, did Bobcat do well enough to win?

KURTIS: Well, he had four right for eight more points, pretty good, total of 11. But that means with 13, Negin...

GOLDTHWAIT: Oh.

KURTIS: ...Is this week's champion.

FARSAD: Little thing.

BABYLON: You did it. You did it.

FARSAD: Oh, stop.

BABYLON: You did it.

FARSAD: No, no, I don't deserve it. Come on.

KURTIS: (Laughter).

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now, panel, what's the next kid problem we will solve? Negin Farsad.

FARSAD: Oh, my God. Scientists are going to solve my child pooping in the potty. If you're listening, please poop in the potty.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Brian Babylon.

BABYLON: We're going to get kids to be the sole person that pays for the public radio pledge membership.

SAGAL: And Bobcat Goldthwait.

GOLDTHWAIT: We're going to just - they're finally going to stop eating boogers.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: There you go.

KURTIS: Well, hey, if any of that happens, we'll ask you about it here on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SAGAL: Thank you, Bill Kurtis.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thanks also to Negin Farsad, Brian Babylon, Bobcat Goldthwait. Thanks to all of you fabulous people who came out to welcome us back at the Harris Theater in Chicago. Thanks to everybody at WBEZ Chicago. Thanks to all of you out there for listening. I am Peter Sagal, and we'll see you next week.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: This is NPR. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.