Opinion: A Christmas guest has much to say

People are understandably stressed this Christmas, including Santa.

Transcript

SCOTT SIMON, HOST:

I came into work at our studios when it was still dark early this morning - looked into the sky. I saw a trail and heard a clatter of hooves and a string of ho-ho-hos. That sleigh in the sky should be approaching the West Coast now. So I figured, why not try this number that I have?

(SOUNDBITE OF PHONE DIALING)

NINA TOTENBERG, BYLINE: (As Santa) Hello. What do you want?

SIMON: Santa?

TOTENBERG: (As Santa) Just fill out the customer satisfaction form on my website, will you? How did you get this number anyway? I'm very busy.

SIMON: Yeah - it's all over TikTok.

TOTENBERG: (As Santa) TikTok? Great. Just what I need - parents crying about how to put toys together, kids calling with complaints, no batteries for anybody.

SIMON: No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no - not at all. Really. No.

TOTENBERG: (As Santa) Who is this?

SIMON: My name is Scott. I work for NPR.

TOTENBERG: (As Santa) Every other person on NPR these days seems to be named Scott.

Anyway, I gave already. And I'm still waiting for my Nina Totin' Bag.

SIMON: Ah, sorry, that's a different department.

Listen, can I ask you a few questions?

TOTENBERG: (As Santa) You've got all year to call me, and now you call me - when I'm with the reindeer over the 405 in LA? That is so NPR.

SIMON: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't think.

TOTENBERG: (As Santa) Holy Blitzen - that was a close one.

SIMON: Oh, Santa, Santa - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

TOTENBERG: (As Santa) That was some kid's drone back there.

Go on. Go on. Ask your questions.

SIMON: Oh, thank - well, a tough year?

TOTENBERG: (As Santa) What do you think? I've got supply chain problems. Krampus is hacking my system. And I've got competitors who are cobbling with robot elves. Comet and Cupid are out tonight because they're delivering pizza for GrubHub. How can I compete with all that?

SIMON: Folks still leave out cookies and cocoa for you?

TOTENBERG: (As Santa) A lot of wisenheimers now leave out tofu and Vitamin Water, with a note that says, this is better for you, Santa. Sheesh.

SIMON: What do people want from you this year?

TOTENBERG: (As Santa) Kids just want to play. After all that's happened, kids just want to play. Adults - they want more. They say, oh, Santa, make my football team better, then stop the pandemic and give us world peace.

What do you want? Nobody calls me unless they want something - want, want, want.

SIMON: Well, I guess I just want all children - all of our children everywhere - to be happy - you know, to smile, to laugh - be healthy, safe, happy.

TOTENBERG: (As Santa) Well, that is something everyone can do something about. And I'll do my part.

And you do yours too, Scott. OK?

SIMON: OK. OK. And listen, could I please have a bottle of that Nina Totenblend wine I've heard so much about?

TOTENBERG: (As Santa) Sorry, that's not my department.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "CHRISTMAS TIME IS HERE")

UNIDENTIFIED PEOPLE: (Singing) Christmas time is here - happiness and cheer. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.