Need A Laugh? Here's A Humorous Rubric For Social Distancing

Caption

Kevin Gillese and Amber Nash are writer/performers living in the Cabbagetown neighborhood of Atlanta with their pitbull, Carol, and their adopted stray cat, Rubby Chuthers.

All Things Considered on Georgia Public Broadcasting is launching a new series featuring people reflecting on what this time of the coronavirus and social distancing means to them. From the safety of their homes where they're sheltering in place, they're recording themselves on their phones or computers and emailing the audio to host Rickey Bevington.

In public radio, these first-person narrated essays are called audio postcards.

Atlanta-based writer/performers Kevin Gillese and Amber Nash ponder the purpose of comedians during a global health crisis.Kevin Gillese and Amber Nash are writer/performers living in the Cabbagetown neighborhood of Atlanta. In this audio postcard, they ponder the purpose of comedians during a global health crisis.

Some of these audio postcards are serious reflections on things like parenthood and marriage.

Others, are more light-hearted, like the one we bring you today.

Keep listening to All Things Considered for more first-person reflections on coronavirus and social distancing. 

Commentary by Kevin Gillese and Amber Nash 

Kevin: When you work in comedy and there’s a global pandemic, the first thing you realize is just how non-essential you really are.

Amber: And if you and your spouse BOTH work in comedy, that’s twice as much unimportant energy all in one place. It’s like we go back and forth all day long, each action less essential than the last.

Kevin: Doctors are heroes. Delivery drivers are heroes. Even the dude down the street making pizzas is a hero. But improv performers are very much not heroes.

Amber: And for people with egos as big as ours, this all came as quite a shock. I had assumed that in a time of crisis people would need us to put on some wigs and make up zany improv scenes based on their suggestions but sadly no…

Kevin: Turns out we’re mostly just supposed to stay at home and recommend tv shows to our friends that have real jobs… as if they’re also sitting around bored just trying to fill their days with Netflix. When in fact most people with jobs are working harder than ever and taking care of their kids 24/7 and trying not to fall into a pit of depression.

Amber: I guess that’s the terrible price of being essential. We wouldn’t know. For us the most exciting part of any given day is taking our dog, Carol for a walk around our Cabbagetown neighborhood… so it’s safe to say thing have been pretty nuts around here lately.

Kevin: And when we are out walking the dog, our biggest challenge is avoiding the people that seem to be oblivious to social distancing.

Amber: When someone approaches, you never know if they’re going to be courteous and steer clear to maintain that six-foot bubble, or if they’re going to walk right up to you and basically sneeze in your eye.

Kevin: Which is why – in an attempt to increase our relevance – we have developed a rubric that you can use to predict how someone is going to act when you see them out in the world. Just go through this simple list…  

If they’re wearing a mask, add a point.

If they’re visibly drunk, subtract a point.

If they wave and say hello, add a point.

If they’re on the beltline, subtract two points.

If they’re walking their dog, add two points.

If they’re running or cycling, subtract five points.

If they’re older folks, add three points.

If they’re running or cycling on the beltline without wearing a mask, immediately stop doing this rubric and run away.

Amber: Anyone who scores above a zero is cool. And anyone who scores below zero is probably worth avoiding. And is it just me or did we just make ourselves essential by providing important safety guidelines? 

Kevin: Tune in next week for our in depth analysis of how anyone who didn’t gain 10 pounds during the pandemic is definitely a psychopath.