Are political disagreements stressing you out? Here are tips to bridge the divide

It can be hard to talk about politics, even with the people we love.

About 1 in 4 people in the U.S. say they’ve ended a friendship due to political disagreements. And many voters say they have few or no friends on the other side of the political aisle.

What’s more, studies show polarization can lead to isolation, stress and anger. And researchers have found the more distant a person feels from the political norm in their state, the worse their reported health.

It’s easy to blame and judge people who don’t share your opinions. But have you ever taken a moment to reflect how your own thoughts, words or actions may add to the vitriol? Turns out, one of the best places to start, when it comes to healing the political divide, is to look inward.

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Here’s a question to ask yourself:

“How often do I feel a rush of pleasure with friends when we ridicule those ‘crazies’ on the other political side?”

This comes from an exercise in a course called Depolarizing Within, created by Braver Angels, a group that aims to help Americans bridge the political divide.

Be honest with yourself if the answer is “often.” Another part of the course asks you to consider the words you use: If you lean blue and words like “anti-immigrant” or “bible-thumper” come to mind, or if you lean red and you’re thinking “elitist” or “unpatriotic,” then your inner polarizer is alive and well.

Labels can dehumanize the opposing side especially when they don’t reflect the complexity of people’s views.

The exercise is “like a reality check on how much anger and resentment you are carrying around,” says Sue Staehli, who is a blue co-chair of the Braver Angels, N.W. Willamette Valley Alliance, in Oregon. (Blue means she usually votes Democrat.)

“What drove me to Braver Angels was my absolute walking away from the politics of ridicule,” she says. “I just couldn’t stand it anymore.” She now helps lead Braver Angels’ workshops aimed at promoting dialogue and understanding among people with opposing views.

We saw her in action at the Washington County Fair in Hillsboro, Ore., over the summer. She was running a booth with her red co-chair Elizabeth Christensen, who usually votes Republican, to facilitate dialogue with fairgoers. They helped people see both sides of some very divisive issues.

“We’re not trying to get people to start agreeing,” Staehli says. The goal is to turn down the temperature, “to stop hating each other,” she says. And, through dialogue, to see past labels, stereotypes and division.

Christensen says this works because “they’re not criticizing the other side. They’re not putting them down. They’re not adding to the problem. They’re working on actually resolving it.”

Oftentimes, Staehli says, people will find common ground as they consider others’ beliefs and values. They start to see how compromise might be possible.

“We are absolutely not as divided as we think we are,” says Tania Israel, a professor of counseling psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara, and author of the new book Facing the Fracture. Israel points to research that shows our perceptions of how polarized we are, are overblown.

“We think the Democrats and Republicans are much farther apart on the issues than they actually are,” she says. Take gun control. Of course, there’s a divide, but many Democrats and Republicans support gun restrictions. There is some common ground, but more extreme voices often dominate the political discourse.

Israel says bridge-building groups like Braver Angels give “people an opportunity to experience the ideas and the people on both sides in a more multidimensional way.” We start to have a better understanding of “how truly complex and thoughtful people are.”

If this election cycle is causing you distress or tension with people you know, here are ways to depolarize yourself and talk to those you disagree with.

1. Notice stereotypes in your own thinking

Braver Angels’ Staehli says stereotyping, dismissing, ridiculing and contempt are “the four horsemen of polarization.” The group’s online depolarizing workshop teaches how to counter these attitudes in yourself.

You can try the course here but here’s a taste.

Their process starts with a self-assessment — you answer a series of questions, such as:

• “How often do I focus on the most extreme or outrageous ideas and people on the other side?”
• “How often do I find myself thinking about “those people” on the other political side without regard for variation among them?”

Then stop and take stock, Staehli says, and consider “how much anger and resentment you are carrying around yourself?” Are you judging people as “worthless” or “deplorable” and not seeing them as fully human?

2. Next, ‘edit the story’

Once you see your own attitudes clearly, Braver Angels has you rethink the story you tell yourself about people with opposing views. Here are a few starting points, adapted from the course:

• Acknowledge that the other side is more varied than the stereotype and that their views are more complicated than the rhetoric you’ve been hearing. 
• Read and listen to thought leaders on the other side who present complex arguments. “If you really study the other side, you might disagree, but you won’t stereotype as much,” explains Braver Angels co-founder Bill Doherty in a course video.
• Recognize that the life experiences informing others’ views are likely different from your own.
• Develop relationships with people on the other side. “Relationships undermine stereotypes. Get to know folks,” said Doherty. “That’s how you get social change.”  

3. Limit consumption of polarizing news

“We are absolutely drawn to the “us versus them narratives,” Israel says. Through evolutionary hardwiring we tend to adopt a team sport mentality, she says. And much of cable news reinforces this polarizing storyline, emphasizing controversy and division.

“The more people tune into news that caters to one side or the other, the more skewed their perceptions of people on the other side is going to be,” Israel says.

People need to “consume news wisely,” she says – by seeking out information from different points of view, recognizing that we’re likely exposing ourselves to only a small slice of information.

Also, Israel says, set time limits — don’t obsessively consume negative news. Doom scrolling reinforces negative messages and can take a toll on your mental health.

4. Curate your social media feed and watch for misinformation

Research finds some social media limits your exposure to viewpoints that differ from your own. So it's important to take control of what you are seeing on these platforms.

It’s easy to share or like messages that reinforce our biases. If the message slams a person on the other side, but fails to teach you anything or offer a solution, ask yourself if it’s really helpful, says Israel. If the answer is no, don’t like or share it. And consider unfollowing groups or individuals that repeatedly spew one-sided or scornful messages or misinformation.

“We can empower ourselves as individuals to really make choices about how much we’re going to attend to and interact with polarizing content” Israel says.

Also be aware that some of what you see online may not be created by your fellow voters at all. Foreign governments including Russia, Iran and China are trying to spread divisive messaging and misinformation in order to exacerbate polarization and influence U.S. elections. One resource to help spot misinformation is Rumor Guard from the News Literacy Project.

5. Get engaged in community groups

The opposite of scrolling is to actually engage with other humans.

“It turns out, that’s a wonderful thing for us to do,” Israel says. And not only can we spend more time with family and friends, but we also get involved in our community. This may help counter political – and social – isolation. Plus, “it’s actually good for our mental health to volunteer,” she says.

The Braver Angel volunteers say they feel a sense of satisfaction from helping people think through divisive issues.

When you work with other people toward a common goal, there’s science to show it increases your feelings of well-being, as you build connections. So, as a first step, think of a cause you care about and find an organization that could use your help.

6. How to talk through difference

When it comes to resolving conflict, people are not going to hear you – or your point of view – until they feel heard. This is why listening and acknowledging is so key to the Braver Angel’s approach to bridge-building. “You do it over and over again,” Staehli says until the other person feels heard. This can help establish good will.

So here’s the Braver Angels’ process for how to have a productive conversation with someone across the political divide.

• The first step is to listen. Then ask questions with curiosity, Braver Angels’ Elizabeth Christensen suggests. “What was behind that? Why did you do that? Where are you coming from?” 

• Next, acknowledge what the other person said. You don’t have to agree, just acknowledge that you've heard them, Christensen says.  Ask: Did I hear you correctly? Is this what you’re saying? “It’s acknowledging that you understand where they are at,” she explains.

• And then there’s the pivot. Ask if you can share a different perspective. It’s like the turn signal on a car – you give people a heads up you may have a different viewpoint. “Then they are prepared to listen to you instead of responding to you – hopefully!” Christensen says.

• Then offer your perspective. Use non-polarizing language. Finally check in with them to make sure they’ve heard you.

Both Christensen and Staehli have used these skills in conversation with their own families. “They work incredibly well,” Christensen says.

7. Cultivate empathy and compassion

In a polarized situation, people are very empathetic toward people on their own side, but very not empathetic toward people on the other side, Israel says. This can work against the goal of bridge-building.

Years ago Israel began listening to a cassette tape recording of a loving-kindness meditation recorded by Sharon Salzberg. She says it brought her a sense of calm and helped build a sense of empathy for others.

So, she adapted this meditation, with political polarization in mind. She says it can help “generate compassion toward all people,” not just those we agree with. Here’s how it works:

• Imagine various people and then send them love and kindness. 
• Start with yourself, and then somebody you feel close to, followed by somebody who's more neutral – maybe a neighbor. 
• Then, here’s the challenging part: Imagine somebody who you might see as a political adversary. 
• For each of these people, you send positive thoughts and repeat to yourself: “May you be free from harm. May you be healthy and happy. May you grow with ease.” (You can follow Israel’s audio version of this meditation here.)

Practicing loving-kindness meditation has been shown to improve social interactions and increase happiness which can lower symptoms of anxiety and depression. It’s also been shown to reduce stress.

Jane Greenhalgh and Carmel Wroth contributed to and edited this report.